"God. I am so sorry. I’ve done a lot of wrong while trying to do people right. I love my friends, but I’m torn and put against them. I have lessons that I need to learn and it seems that I’m learning the hard way. God, please give me the strength to own my action. Please give me the strength not to lie about everything when I know it’s me who can’t handle the truth. I lied to my best friend today because I was scared. I will never do that again. God, why do I rely on only 2 people on my life. It’s like I’m being casted out to see and waiting until someone comes to save me. Because I can’t save myself. My past is my past but I have it scared on my body. It’s hard to forget when all I have to do is look down. I’m sorry. So sorry. I can’t love myself. I might say I’m gorgeous or reminisce about the times where I thought I was good looking but fuck it. I know I want to change but I’m happy the way I am. My size. My hair. My style. If someone doesn’t like me because I don’t have long hair or dress nicely or am fit, jokes on them. It’s their fucking fault. God, why do I blame myself for every little thing. I’m no hero and I know that. But what I do is try to love. And I try to give my all but I’ve been giving it to the wrong people at the wrong times. I’m stuck chasing a shadow. I don’t want to be behind her I want to be next to her. Holding her hand. Please, give me strength. Give me courage. I know I don’t deserve it but I’m trying to do the next right thing. To be a better person. Because I believe I can better the world"
So I have a funny feeling. About a girl. She’s cute. Tall. Funny. Daring. Dashing actually… I dunno she makes me feel… Makes me feel….
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!I don’t know! When I’m with her it’s like I’m up on cloud 9. And you’re probably waiting for me to say when I leave I probably want to kill myself but that’s not true. Because she’s always with me….literally. We’re like 8 hours away from totally living with each other. And it’s not even physically seeing her. I have pictures but that’s not what I mean either. Everything reminds me of her. Pineapples….cop cars….comedians….superheroes……even libraries. The most randomest things and I can’t even function with out those things in my life. It’s gonna be a bitch if she leaves. But I know she won’t. She’s my best friend. That word is so important to me because never have I ever knew what that word meant or why people used it until I met my squad 👌
So back to this funny feeling. I dunno man. She just makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me cry. Makes me wanna punch her in the face 😡👊. But then I want to hold her. Actually, no. That’s a lie. I want to be held by her. Because she wears the pants. Not me. I don’t like pants. It’s happened before. Maybe not like….for realizies but I’ve copped a feel 😏 💃💃💃 I know it meant nothing to her but it meant the world to me. Our little chats we’d have when Id be on top of her. I SWEAR ALL WE WOULD DO IS TALK! And I’d be perfectly okay with that. Kinda wish I was a ninja at kissing though. That would be useful with her. I don’t want to kiss her because of a bet. Or from pity because I swear on the holy mother Theresa if that happens one more time ima s’plode. I want to kiss her just because I can. And I want her to stop me mid conversation one day and be like “hold on I gotta kiss you” and I’ll ask ” what’s that for” and she’ll be like “….🐈👌?” But that’s just letting my delusions run wild.
She’s my best friend. And when I say best friend I don’t me ” oh my gawd I luv her!” I mean “be there for me forever and always. Be apart of my family. Co mother my children.
SQUAD👌” I never had a best friend. I mean I did but it wasn’t textbook. I had kaela. But it’s a love-hate kinda thing. I had Katie Meena. But she was 6 years older than me. There were my camp friends but they lived so fucking far away >.
You know what sucks? Trying to like a girl that’s not you. Or asking out a girl and generally wanting to be with them whose not you. I met this girl Arielle she’s cute, nice and she cares about me. But right as I’m about to ask her out guess whose face pops into my head. We havnt talked in a week and we probably will continue to not talk but like it’s stopping me from asking her out. She’s not perfect. She’s a dropout. Lives with her friend. But she’s caring. A free spirit, she gives a shit about me but that just doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s not enough because she’s not you. I can’t seem to find a happy medium. I’ve been talking to random ass girls trying to find someone but I can’t. They all look strange to me and I’m not finding their qualities attractive. And it’s not just 2 or 3 girls. 8 girls I’ve messaged or talked to. Some think I’m cute, some have said they liked me, and that’s nice to hear but point blank I’m not hearing it from you. God it makes me so mad. You make me so fucking temperamental that I’ve almost convinced myself we shouldn’t be friends. But I can’t stop thinking about the time at your house. Or my car. In school. You obviously did it for a reason and I just can’t figure you out. I made a mountain out of a mole hill but there was something there! And it kills me that you don’t see that or you don’t recognize it. I’m not saying I think you love me but like ugh my thoughts about this are driving me insane. I don’t know what to do. Not with my life or you or school. I just know I want to hold you again. Feel your lips on mine. It was such a amazing experience. I miss holding your hand. I could feel your heart rate go up and down from the pressure point around your thumb. you’re just such a great person that like I’m fangirling over you. You may not be my dream girl that’s locked away somewhere in my sub conscience you’re better. You’re real.
Stop looking with your eyes when love is blind.
Well is it only the living who have a say in this world?
Fear only hurts if you let it.
In your eyes I see my own demise. I cannot lie for you have been deceived greatly. All I can do is strip you of the innocents you once held dear to your heart.
It has been a week and it’s uncanny the amount of times I catch myself thinking ‘do I miss her’
It’s hard hiding behind a mask made out of feathers.
I wish it were easy. To just walk away from their beckoning calls. But they grab me by the neck in the mist of the night and drag me to these bottles that are already empty from the night before
If nobody knew, how could they care?
Beauty that is defined by height and weight is only acceptable If you realize that no height or nor weight is perfect. Everything is beautiful in one way or another. Beauty to me is in understanding. Beauty to me is flaws. They don’t lie when they say imperfections are perfect.
I try to hide my monsters but they’re so beautiful I want the world to see.
Like how Christopher Robin still believes in pooh, I believe in you.
You should have missed me yesterday when you had the chance. It would have been better like that.
What happens when my memories come back to life?
Going to you for help is like trying to breathe underwater.
I’ve turned into the monster I’ve always dreamed about.
It was never about the lies, you just had to make them more convincing.
( it was never about the lies, they just weren’t convincing )
I don’t sleep. I just close my eyes and dream of being dead. Sleep is for the weak.
I might kill her but I’d never touch you.
After a child’s smile dies, nobody’s an angel.
I’m not known for very much. But my words are like silk from the devils repertoire
Maybe I don’t want my words to be read by wondering eyes. Maybe only by the eyes I look into at night
When you ask questions. You’re giving them chances to hurt you.
When I held your hand, I felt your past.
I know not what it is that keeps you sane, but just know it works for me too
How can you measure something that’s not really there…
What’s worse? Being happy in a dream or dreaming of being happy
What hurts the most is knowing you’re dying. And I can’t do a damned thing about it.
Only a fool lives by tomorrow, today.
If I disguise my voice and tell you I love you, would you know it’s me?
It wasn’t the darkness holding her back; she was just a flower, trying to bloom in the dead of winter.
My parents kicked me out. They’re putting me in a residential. Are you happy now? Are you fucking happy now? Everyone! Whose ever fucking gave a shit about me turned their back and now in alone. Not like that was ever different. My dad told me I don’t try. I just cry wolf. He told me I’m not equipped for the real world. FUCK YOU DUDE! you don’t know anything. I’m not a fucking moron. I just play one on TV.
My depression got the best of me. What can I say. I’m crying every five minutes. Death is my only thought. And hell I’m not numb I feel EVERY BIT OF PAIN.
They don’t understand. No one does. They’re just gonna kick me out because they don’t want to deal with me. Fuck it I don’t want to deal with me but I have to. Their fucking giving up not me. Jesus christ!
Maybe I’m better off dead.
There’s this place…that me and my boys have that we can call our own. It took all of our money, time and effort but from what used to be an abandoned building is now our trap house.
I got 2 rooms. One is shared between me and my boys, Shark and taco. The other is all mine.
I got a chair, a bed, candles, a table. And a view. It’s not much. And it’s not like I don’t have that in my own household but this is different.
This time I can elope. And so can you. I wanna take you there. If you ever need to escape you have a place. Be it an hour or day. No one will no. You’ll be off the grid. How nice would that be?
Sure id also like a place where we can be together, if we were to ever be together. Alone. It could be like we’re living together…oh god actually that might be a bad idea. I don’t wear pants most of the time. Unless you’re cool with that. Then let’s do it. Let’s go to bed together where our parents won’t freak. Let’s live on our own. We’ve always been on our own anyway…
Once a forbidden love, now lived in secrecy.
“Go away!” she screamed into the phone. This wasn’t surprising. This happens at least 2… maybe 3 times in a week. And each time it happened, it still hurt just the same.
“babe please.” I begged, but it didn’t seem to matter. Her mind was made up; something that often frustrated the both of us.
“no, you disgust me, why do you even bother with me?” the taunts go on and on. I’d say they’re never ending but there was a time, a place, when she was in my arms where all was forgiven and her kiss was the antidote to her venomous words.
I had to let her go, I had no choice. She insisted that there was something better out there but she just needed to find it. And that was easy for her to say when she had me under lock and key. Funny thing? I never seemed to mind. She was my love, my life, my wife. I knew, I fucking knew I was the something better even when she never said it. It was in the way she held me. The way she used to lay on my chest and look up to kiss me and smile that it was me… that special feeling I thrived on. Even the summers we were apart and the nights I was alone I’d pray for a happy ending. Our happy ending.
“I miss you”
Jesus Christ that “K.” is going to be the death of me. Doesn’t she realize that drives me up a wall and around the moon?
Well I got this far, now I guess it’s up to the stars.
She came to the door and like every.single.time. this has ever happened I got butterflies and acted like an over excited puppy dog. I opened the door to see her just staring at me. It was weird, it’s not like she’s never seen me?
“hey…” I smiled
“hey” I could tell how hard it was for her to contain her joy >.<”
She led herself downstairs. This was basically her house so I felt like I didn’t have to be such a gracious hostess.
She sat down on the couch. I leaned against the pole.
“AWW KITTY” she shrieked. And picked up the kitty.
I bit my lip, its our family. Her maternal instinct kicked in and I must say. It was adorable.
Silence set it. she didn’t seem to mind but my mind was wired.
“whats going to happen? Shes too quiet.”
I walked over and sat down next to her. She gave me the kitty to hold and pet. I was holding the little ball of fur and she kissed him on the head.
I muttered under my breath “what no kiss for me?”
She just looked at me. And in her eyes… I saw my love, my life, my wife. She caressed her hand on my cheek and grabbed my shirt with her free hand and went in to kiss me. But of course it’s never that easy with her. She kissed my cheek, then my forehead, then, she laid her head on my chest.
I was in heaven. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her. Her hands played with my shirt and she would kiss my collar bones and I’d give her little kisses on the head. I traced “I love you” up and down her leg while our breathing matched, synced, and the rhythm of our hearts lulled her to sleep.
I must have watched her for hours. Not wanting to talk, not thinking a thought. She looked happy. I wanted that to last her as long as it could.
She groaned. She woke up and looked up at me… and kissed me softly on my lower lip. Then she buried her head back into my chest.
“good night.” I sent her into her dreams.
“I love you.”
He turned around and walked over to her. He grabbed her hand put it over his heart than with his free hand dragged her in and kissed her as hard as he could without knocking them both down.
"So I’m the ‘one’ eh?" He smiled as she caressed his face.
“My one and only.” Her voice lingered as if she couldn’t have said it enough time for it to be real.
So he was the one. The one who she will be taking naps with. The one who will give he piggyback rides through target. He’s going to be the one who dances with her at concert under the moonlight, and he’s gonna be the one to say “honey, I’m home.”because he is home. Home is where the heart is and his heart was lacked away in a box. She only has the key.
These 3 words.
I watched her sleep. I watched her take big breaths that blew up her chest. Then I watched her exhale and relax her body. All over 8hours. She’s kinda cute when she’s asleep. Except when she screams… The night terrors get so bad she physically tries to break free of my vice grip and run.
"The monsters! The MONSTERS!" She winces. I don’t know whether to wake her up or let her dream. She’s starting to sweat like crazy. She’s pulling out her hair!
"Baby wake up!" I shook her
She kept mumbling “I’m not safe”
Again I shook her, “baby wake up! It’s okay I’m here.”
She didn’t believe it was actually me. She woke up and sprung from my grip.
"WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU WAKE ME?!" She yelled.
“I tried but you thought I was a monster.” I added
She stopped her cries. Calmed down just long enough to say. “You are a monster.”
She looked right through me like I was a mirror and knelt down and broke into hysterics. I offered her my hand to hold to hold.
"….you’re the one."
“Am what one?” I asked
“Am I your monster? Because baby I mean you no harm. I’d never hurt you. I love you. But if I’m your monster. I’ll leave you be..”I got up from the floor and turned towards the door.
She whispered. “But you’re my one.”
Late night. Candle light
"It’s freeeezing" he said entering the old cabin.
“Baby I’m going to make a fire. Can I have a lite?
They walked in to an empty room. She bent down to make a
Fire while he went to the closet adjacent to the master bed room to get blankets. He looked over to watch her. She started to undress
"My god this is perfect! It’s a whiteout storm. A cabin by the lake. I’m with my best friend and I’m here! Actually here!" She exclaimed.
"It’s too quiet." He said
He started humming an old tune the both of them seemed to enjoy.
She swayed to the whistle of the trees and the sound of his voice. She undressed slowly. Taking off her coat and her boots. Her hat and her mittens. He stood aloof. Off in the corner of darkness the only place he knew. She started to take off her shirt. Then her lingerie. First her left strap…then her right.. The brightness of the fire created a silhouette.
"Mmmmmhhhhhhhhmmmmm, look at this fire" she said quite eccentrically.
“I know. Have you ever just glared into a fire and get lost in the flames?” He asked. “I see myself dancing in the flames, the temperature constantly rising.” He continued.
“Wouldn’t that be nice…”
He walked over and gave a gesture with his hand.
"Shall she dance?"
“But there no music….” She said puzzled
“Ahh. Just listen.”
They heard nothing but two faint thuds.
“Is that….is tht…” She tried to say
“Our heart beats. So let’s dance to this beat and hold our lover close”
She stepped back” you didn’t NOT just quote p!atd”
with a grim adorned on his face they started to dance.
They embraced eachother and he looked into those piercing golden eyes and for that moment. He came back from the place no man has ever told about. He leaned down and kissed her neck. She grasped his shirt and he pushed the hair out of her face to behind her ear. He kissed her in a pattern. Her forehead. Thee nose. Two kisses on her cheeks and finally he brushed his upper lip to her lower lip.
"……go on….." She mumbled
He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in tight. She fussed with his hair and got up on her tippy toes so she can feel te warmth of his breath on her neck.
“…..what do you think?”
He picked her up just to lay her on the floor. His arms wondered her body while their eyes stayed lock. Never kissing her lips. For he wasn’t worthy. She ran her fingers along his chest and grabbed onto his neckless. He hovered over her kissing her neck and playing with her fingers until a moment of complete silence struck them.
With no other thoughts or concerns….
“Thank you.” He muttered out.
He turned over on his side and his body fit to hers. Perfectly together like pieces of a puzzle. She looked back. Kissed his lips and kissed his hand.
They laid in silence, drifting away into a land for fairy tales.
Only she was already there.
My best friend Norman
Norman wasn’t just any other black cat. For one he was furry. He had a furry little face and fur in between his toes. He had bump on his noes and a big ol’ heart.
Norman was not like any other cat. He came from a liter of 3. And was happy as can be. He had a orange and white brother and a multi colored sister. Needless to say. They are what would now be a diverse modern family.
Norman was a simple cat. Never asking for much. He was a good cat. He was always there to be pet and snuggle up next to you.
Did your cat ever get caught ordering Chinese food? Or riding a skateboard through the house? Was your cat able to break down doors or give you a bath?
Norman did all that.
He was the best big brother. A better friend than a cat. He was family. And now he’s an angel.
Watching his brother and sister and the family he can call his own
No one is fucking tolerant. We preach and preach about acceptance for minorities and sexes and sexual orientation yet you can’t even be tolerant of someone’s opinion! We always criticize what is different from us. Be it a whole group or just one single person. Tolerance is unobtainable and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we will actually tolerate.
Why can’t everyone just come clean about being alittle bit racist. Biased. Sexist and phobic of the social norm? Like when you try to hide it or deny it you’re just offending more people. Noone is perfect. Noone is exactly the same so why the fuck do religions. School. Families. And society tell us we have to be carbon copies of eachother or else!
Half the night I watch you sleep while the other half I’m curled up in darkness. You look so peaceful when you sleep. Almost like you’re dead. And what scares me is how well you play dead. For you it’s a talent. For others it’s a nightmare they’ll never wake up from. Hal the night I spend with you by my side telling me “baby it’s alright” minimizing my thoughts of suicide. But then again the other half of that night is spent with a knife pressed to my throat. Wishing I had your “talent” how could I have a girl who loves me, wants to be with me, and supports me without a catch? Is life playing a trick on my heart or did I actually find my soulmate. The rest of my nights will be spent in luxury. Holding you tenderly…you shall hold my heart the same.